I don’t quite remember well growing up. I mean the transitional phase from a little cherubic mama’s boy to a narcissist mutineer. There was a time when I used to get under my bed on the eve of Diwali. On seeing sadhus I would hide behind my father. I am not a usual liar but there was a time of braggadocio about having my own real jets and copters. I still can’t figure it out as to how people believed it. Oh yeah..... I know how. I was 8 and people were my schoolmates. I started eating like a pig as soon as I hit 9th grade. Something was happening inside. Some chemicals were flowing through my blood stream. I never knew, never wanted to know as long as my hand dig into food.
We all have seen this phase of changes, the phase or self discovery. You start to become brash, adventurous with a strike of rebellion and anarchy inside. The decision making process changes, a sudden zest of cognizance. Everybody is callow but feels more in control to take steps, rather asking parents. Friends become cohorts and are on advisory panel. Everything changes slowly. For guys it’s easier to still adore their moms, I guess it’s more of that umbilical connection. Also moms are always pampering. But with fathers something changes. You don’t speak on guys issues. You cannot show numbness. You cannot accede, even on regular chores. No matter what, you have to behave with anomaly. It’s not an adventitious thought, but there are my friends who got drifted apart too like I have. What is it that changes? Is it the male dominance inside us? Is it the clash of ideas due to regular carping? It’s chafed, blemished and you realize the bonhomie thing is elapsed. I, over a period of time tried to sort things out, but it never comes from inside. Few days back, there was this show on TV about how in Animal kingdom, younger amok males have to leave their clan to make their own. Its maybe, they also know this rebellion streak. Or maybe it’s a way to start on their lives and be independent. But I figured we are a lot different from Animals. I still couldn’t solve this mystery. Do I feel threatened and browbeaten? Do I seek power? Do I envy my father, do I not love him? It all baffles me.
It was only yesterday, we were having dinner. There were several conversations. To start with Kasab, his future, some marriage in the family to my job and on and on. My father was explaining few things. My mother said something and he blushed and replied sarcastically. So, there I was sitting facing my father and I just glared at him for a while. What did I see, what stopped me? Under the wrinkles of my father’s skin, I saw my own face. Am I not like in him in deeply seated subconscious and what comes out of it? Do I not banter and use satire to often counteract and amuse people? Do I not get red when I blush like him? The answer to all of these questions is a BIG Yes, which I realized only yesterday. We are very much similar, just from different time. I know now that I am a shadow of him, no matter how much I resist and try to remodel myself. We might be in different directions but the light that drives us is the same. Perhaps, in a parallel universe somewhere, my father is writing this blog entry.